10 Years Out of Prison!

So the other day was March 26th, and 10 years since I left prison.

March 26th, 1999, I walked out of the prison gates in Columbus,
Ohio to a freedom I hadn't experienced in years. Talk about culture
shock. Prison life to freedom was really weird. I couldn't even buy
a pop in a store, there were too many choices. After being told what
to eat and drink for so long, you forget what it feels like to actually
have a choice. The first car ride was terrifying, then to get on a
plane right away, I'm surprised I didn't yack on the plane.

I had no clue what the future held, but I knew that I was different
something profound happened to me that would alter my life
forever. I didn't understand all the religious stuff, but I knew I
found something real. The struggles came and went, at one point
I thought I was the only one who was screwed up and actually
considered ending my own life.

But 10 years later, probably a thousand concerts since then and
thousands of peoples lives who have been touched, I'm grateful
things didn't end that way. According to statistics, I was bound
to go back to prison or end up dead. But thanks to Jesus my
future was altered.

I never thought I would meet a woman like my wife. A woman I
don't deserve. To have a marriage and a partner like her has
restored so many broken and shattered parts of my life. We'll
celebrate 5 years this May. Marriage is not a prison to me,
it's a freedom and blessing I'm grateful to experience. Even
though my father was never there to teach me how to be a man,
I think I'm learning what it really means to be a man.

In the past ten years, I've buried more friends than I would like
to remember, seen old friends go back to prison to never be
released until they leave in a casket. I've had friends come and
friends leave. Friends I thought would always be there, are
gone. Friends I thought I never would have, have appeared
out of no where.

I've worked so many jobs that I've hated, just to keep financing
the dream. I've spent thousands of dollars to record, travel,
and share a message and have seen some crazy things. From
peforming outside Columbine High School two weeks before the
shooting and sharing my story, to the prisons and concerts in
Australia. The Rock and Roll Hall of Fame, Showtime at the Apollo,
The Bronx, NY, concerts in big venues and smalls towns, I've seen
a lot in the last ten years.

Oh, and have I been cheated by so many venues, promoters,
producers, recording studios, churches, and employers. I've driven
to Minneapolis from Cleveland, and had the promoter dissapear
and refuse to pay us. There are so many stories. But something...
or Someone keeps me going.

I've been through 3 or 4 bands, but something still keeps pushing
me. I've had offers from labels that want to change you, prostitute
you, and exploit you for everything you have. I've always walked
the line. My music is too spiritual for regular labels, and too edgy
for Christian labels. But it's hard to sleep when you're not yourself.

I've moved so many times, including a cross country move. (We
may be doing it again). I feel like I've lost God, and found Him over
and over again in these last ten years. Each time He seems closer
than the last time.

I feel like I've been longing for something I can never touch, like
I'm thirsty for water I've never tasted. Something tells me time
and time again, there has got to be more to life than this. I still
believe in miracles, I still have a dream, and I still believe God has
more for me than I've ever touched or experienced. So I refuse
to stop dreaming, even if everyone around me, tells me to give up,
to just fall in line with everyone else. I fear failure, I think we all do.
But even more than that, I fear living in regret for not doing
something I should have. Not saying something I should have, not
chasing the dream but just accepting what has been handed to me.

Sometimes I want to just give up to be honest. The music, all of it.
It just feels like a waste, like no one is getting it, and I can't catch a
break or find any support. But like Jeremiah, it's like fire in my
bones. And if I don't release it, it will consume me. So with all
I've got, I will speak, scream, rap, and sing anything You want,
Lord. I don't need the empty praise of man, the riches of this
world or the acceptance of anyone except you.

I refuse to be shallow.

Thank you Lord, for not leaving me but walking with me in my
dark times. You are the One thing that has been unchanging on
this journey. I still need you more than I ever have. I still need
you to save me, to heal me and to restore me.

Restore me to the joy of my salvation.